How to be more assertive

“Be more assertive”, that is a phrase I think most people hear these days and this has also been something that I seem to be helping a lot of other people be. 

So, what does that mean? For some it might mean putting your ideas across sternly, for others it might mean just being able to say no and for some other it is yelling to put across your point to the point of being aggressive. 

Assertiveness is a way of communication. It is the ability to express your thoughts, feelings, ideas, opinions etc. without violating the rights of others as well as our own. Being assertive does not mean being aggressive. Aggression results in the violation of others’ rights. The other extreme of being passive results in the violation of our own rights. The middle ground is being assertive, where there is respect for both ours as well as other’s needs. 

Effects of not being assertive

When we are not assertive and more passive, it results in low self-esteem and confidence. We don’t really convey what we really think and feel and mindlessly agree with other’s needs even though it might come at some personal cost. If we are aggressive with our needs, then that results in us losing friends and people losing respect for us. This in turn leads to low self-esteem/confidence. 

Causes of unassertiveness

Most times we learn to become unassertive. When we are younger, we gradually learn to adapt our behaviour to fit in with responses we receive from our environment. 

For e.g.: if we have seen our family yelling and screaming to deal with conflicts, we learn to do the same thing when we are confronted with a conflict. 

So, we learn by seeing how our families respond to conflicts but also depends on how we are reinforced or punished for behaving in a particular way. 

Types of assertiveness

There are three major types of assertiveness

1. Refusal assertiveness – it is the ability to refuse or say no to something.

   
   

2. Commendatory assertiveness – the ability to express positive feelings such as appreciation, praise, love and so on along with being able to accept the same.

   
   

3. Request assertiveness – occurs when an individual makes requests to others to facilitate meeting one’s needs or attaining goals. 

   
   

Techniques for behaving more assertively 

When you are trying to be assertive, your verbal message has to match your non-verbal message as well. For e.g. if you are trying to ask for something and you put your head down and mumble, that is not being assertive. Hence, the tone, body language has to match what you are saying.

1.  Basic assertion - using “I” statements to make a statement expressing our needs, beliefs, opinions etc. E.g. “I need to be home by 5 o’clock” or “I like it when you help me”

2.  Empathic assertion – This contains an element of understanding and recognising the other person’s feelings, needs or wants and at the same time making a statement of your needs and wants. This can be used when you are involved in a situation that might not fit in with your needs and you want to indicate that you are aware of and sensitive to their position. Eg. “I appreciate that you don’t like the enw project, however, until we find a replacement you will continue working here”

3.  Consequence assertion – it is usually used in a situation where someone has not considered the rights of other and want their behaviour to change without becoming aggressive. This is usually used as a last resort behaviour. E.g. “If you continue to withhold information, I am left with no option but to bring in the manager’.

4.  Discrepancy assertion – Pointing out the discrepancy between what has previously been agreed upon and what is happening. Eg. “As I understand we agreed on keeping project A as top priority, but now you are asking me to work on project B. I’d like to clarify which is now the priority”

5.  Negative feeling assertion – This is used when you are feeling negative feelings towards another person. 

There are 4 steps

a.  Describe the other persons objectively. 

b.  Describe the impact of the person’s behaviour on you. Be specific and clear.

c.  Describe your feelings.

d.  State how you would prefer the behaviour to be in the future. 

E.g. “When you come home late, without telling me, I feel angry and worried and I would appreciate it if you could let me know beforehand the next time”

6.  Broken record – Prepare what you are going to say and repeat it exactly as often as necessary in a calm and relaxed manner. Usually good when you want to say no to something/someone.

All these techniques require practice. Start with basic assertion and then pick your way through the rest of the techniques. Keeping a log book/diary of the ways you have been able to use these techniques can help in showing you how often you are being assertive and which techniques are the most useful for you.